Looking Up

This summer has been hard. Very hard. And those who have died are still dead, and the things that hurt still hurt, but I have finally managed to find hope again. And hope came from two little, crazy, kids, age 5 and 6.

I spent Saturday with the boy's family. His mother, stepfather, sister, brother, brother's girlfriend, brother's kids, and grandparents. Of course, it was sad that the boy couldn't be there, but he did get to Skype with us and watch his nephews open gifts. I don't think he could hear a single thing they said, as they screamed and ran around the whole time, but I know he loved seeing them.

His nephews are absolutely adorable. At one point, I was sitting in the office talking to the boy, and his older nephew (6) came in and sat on my lap to talk to the boy. The kid was squirmy and all over the place conversation wise, but seeing the boy's face when he got to talk to his nephew was absolutely priceless. His eyes just lit up, and he smiled more than I'd seen him smile in weeks. It was the happiest I'd seen him most of this deployment, and it was a wonderful thing to witness. I know the boy loves me and it makes his day every time we talk, but he and I are so lucky to be able to speak nearly every day. He hasn't spoken to his nephews in so long. And the few times he speaks to them, they're so excited and screaming and running around and he can't really get a conversation going, so to see him actually have a conversation with his nephew was precious.

His nephews and I continued to play and hang out the rest of the evening. At night, we all watched a movie, and afterwards I headed home. I hugged and kissed both boys before leaving, telling them goodbye and I would miss them. The oldest boy said "I've missed you every day!" which was adorable, especially since I only just met them at Christmas. As I left the house, the garage door into the house opened back up and both boys were running out after me screaming "I LOVE YOU AUNT ELLYN!" I swear, my heart melted. They told me they loved me, and they called me their aunt even though legally I am not a part of the family, and I swear I about died of cuteness. It was a wonderful ending to the day.

Tomorrow, I start therapy. It's a really great step forward from this slump I've been in. I need it for a lot of things I've talked about before, and a lot of things I will never put in the public's eye, but I know that this is a really good step forward for me, and I am excited to take it.

I guess, I've found hope in all this darkness. And it doesn't undo the horrors that have happened, and it doesn't take away the missing and the pain, but it's the knowledge that maybe I can get better, even if the situation doesn't.

Everything Hurts

I probably shouldn't write right now. I'm not in a good place. But I'm going to anyway. Because maybe this is what needs to happen. Maybe I need to remind myself how much it hurts sometimes, and also because I need to remind myself that it gets better, too. So I know, emotions go all sorts of ways, and I can hurt like hell, but I can also float on Cloud 9. I just happen to be at the hurting like hell stage right now.

As I stated in another post, I have had the summer from hell. Another death has been added to that tally. I am in several support groups online for girlfriends, boyfriends, fiances, and spouses of military members. Today, one of those girl's fiance was killed in action in Afghanistan. I just can't handle this anymore. No more. No more. Just come home, already. This war is stupid and unnecessary. This war needs to end. I know I do not know this girl or boy in real life. I talked to her quite a bit outside of that group, but I did not know her personally. I knew her only as the depressed, lonely, anxious fiancee of a US Army Soldier. Her fiance was supposed to be home a month ago. The Army extended his deployment for another month. He was supposed to be home within 2 weeks. He almost made it. He should have made it. He did his time, and the Army extended it. He was supposed to be home already. It wasn't supposed to happen.

Sometimes, I go on to the Department of Defense website. I read the news announcements, where they announce the deaths of service members KIA. I read those names, countless names. Names of men and women I don't know. Whose friends and family I don't know. Who, seemingly, have no impact on my life. But they do. I read these names, and I weep. They are all my heroes. I often think that the military anymore is not a big protective force of our nation. We spend far too much money inefficiently in the military. We send thousands of men and women into dangerous combat missions without the proper equipment, while others are getting issued yet another free camera. We send men and women into combat for 7 months, and then keep them there for 9. We promise them health insurance, and then make them work (not deployed) while they're throwing up from the flu. We give them shots for things no part of the world has seen in decades, but can't give them nyquil. We promise them time with their family, but only if their family meets our definition of one: man, woman, and married. The military is inefficient, and overly, ridiculously bureaucratic. I don't agree with a lot of the crap the military does. But despite all of that, I honor and respect all of the service members. Whether it was patriotism, the desperate desire to get out, or the need to feel like they are doing something worthwhile with their life that drove them to join the military, I do not care the reasoning. They are all my heroes. I may not feel like they're fighting a worthwhile war. I may not agree with the politics of the military at all. But that doesn't matter, and I think that's something a lot of people get confused about. I support and honor the troops so much, but that doesn't mean I support the war. I hate that the military has been stolen by conservatives and war hawks as a "support the war" thing. No. Support the men and women who made the choice to serve the country. Support their families who wait and worry and pray for them. Support those who will never feel the touch of their loved one again. Support the members, even if you don't support the organization, and realize the difference.

The Military Rant

Talk to any military wife, girlfriend, or fiance, and they will all tell you about their "I hate the military" days. We all have them. We all wish our significant others could be closer, safer, in our arms. We all miss them, and worry about them, and everything else expected. However, for me at least, there is more to these "I hate the military" days than just that.

Preface: This does not mean I actually hate the military. I love, support, and honor our service men and women with all my heart. They are all my heroes, and all some of the strongest men and women in the world. We all owe them a lot, and I admire them so very much.

I was speaking to the boy today, and we were talking about his friend's death. I kept insisting that I not cry, and be strong, and deal with it in the same way he has to deal with it: by pretending it doesn't exist and not crying. He finally said that he needed me to be weak because he does not have that option. He has to be strong. If he is weak, then the person next to him is weak, and the person next to them is weak, and that kind of weakness leads to deaths. He said that they make that sacrifice to save lives. He then went on to say that I need to exercise my right to feel. And I need to mourn his friend's death, because he cannot. One of us has to feel, and by me mourning, it is doing justice to the death.

And that is when it struck me. All that is wrong with the military. All that is wrong with this world. To them, crying is weak. To them, loving and mourning are weak. This is wrong. If anyone ever tries to tell you this, I assure you that they are wrong. Love is the strongest thing in the world, and someone who has the ability to love and mourn and miss and cry are the strongest people in the world. Those who have lost the ability to love and mourn and feel are the weak ones. Love is the strongest thing in the world. If you mourn for someone, it means you loved them. If you miss someone, it means you loved them. If you can no longer do those things, you are weak. And that is the military's biggest downfall. They do not understand strength. I do. I mourn, and worry, and cry, and feel. I know that all these things hurt me, but they are my biggest strength. I can feel, and love, despite all the horrors in the world. I can love. And that is my strength. Love conquers all.

The saddest summer

So I have been home for about 2-3 weeks now. I know, still, I have neglected about the last month of travel updates in this blog, and well, I don't know when they'll come. There are so many more pressing issues. Like life. And I need to discuss those more than my travels. This is much more than a travel blog. If you were here to read my wonderful European adventures, you might want to stop reading now. I don't know where this will go from here, but I don't know if it will go back to Europe.

The day that I got back to the States, tragedy struck at home. A death occurred in a friend's family, and it was incredibly sad. I was stuck in airports all through the night, and didn't find out until the boy called me around midnight to tell me (I was supposed to find out way earlier, but I suck and didn't call someone back way earlier) so I couldn't call my friend to say anything at that point. I didn't know what to do. I was lost, and broken hearted for her. I tried to call her several times throughout the next few days, and eventually got to see her, and then there was the visitation and the funeral, and it was hard and it was sad, and I just wanted to do more, but I guess sometimes you just can't.

For the next week my life was dealing with what happened, trying to be there for my friends, and trying to find a job, all while adjusting to America again, and trying to catch up with friends.

Then, about a week ago, tragedy struck again. One of the boy's great friends was killed in action in Afghanistan. I had met him once, and he was truly a great guy, and it hit me really hard when he died. Since then I have had to strike this balance between dealing with it myself and keeping myself strong through the rest of this deployment, and having to be the rock for the boy. I have to keep him strong and positive and I can't let him dwell on it too much, because it's dangerous. I went to the funeral on Saturday, and aside from letting my fiance go off to war, I think it was the single hardest thing I've ever done. They spoke about his military service and that he does his job so that others can do theirs, and I lost it, because the boy says the same thing. At the cemetery the other men from his field put their badges on the casket and I lost it. I turned around, sobbing, unable to watch. The boy's family was their too. His mom tried to tell me that the boy will be home soon, and he's safe, and I guess it wasn't really the point. Because my boy may come home again soon, but this boy won't. His wife welcomed him home in a casket, not with a warm embrace. And it just broke my heart to see, first hand, the tragedies of war. I have lived a lot of hardships because of the war, but this was the first KIA funeral I had attended, and it broke me. I hope no one ever has to experience another KIA funeral. I just want this all over, and I want all of them home safe, and I don't ever want to watch someone else die too young because of war.

So now I'm here, weak and broken, and trying to keep it all together for just 3 more months until the boy is safe at home. I don't know how to do a second deployment. I don't know how to watch other friends or acquaintances die at the hands of war. I don't know how to watch other friends deal with tragedy. I don't know how to hold myself together right now. I'm trying my best, but I might be tried more now than ever before.