Deployment, Round Two

A few months ago we got notice of an upcoming deployment for the boy. This time around is non-combat, and he will not be in a war zone. I find myself not knowing how to react to it. It just feels like it always did before, when he was stationed in Germany and I was at school in Iowa. He leaves for several months on end, and then he comes home. Nothing more than that. It is weird to go back to feeling like the days of Germany. It kind of makes me feel 19 again. But more than traveling back in time, I feel like I am wearing other people's shoes. Is this what most military wives feel like? All those jobs that aren't dangerous. All those vital, necessary components of the military that never involve leaving the wire. Is this how they feel when they hear their loved one is deploying? Sad that they'll be gone, but not much more than that?

If this is what that feels like, I could handle this life if it weren't EOD. Especially in the Air Force. 90% of airmen do not leave base when they deploy. If this is what that would feel like, I could really get into the excitement of the military life. I could really do this moving all over the world, being seperated for 4-6 months ever 2 years or so. Yeah, I could handle that. It could be exciting. It could be fun. It could be an adventure.

EOD isn't normally like this. When you hear about an EOD deployment, your heart breaks. You know that they have a higher chance of anyone else in the military of not coming back home. You know they are doing the most dangerous job in the world. You know they can die doing it. You know the odds are against them. In the Air Force, EOD techs account for less than 0.5% of all enlisted personelle and account for nearly 30% of all combat-related deaths. These are the thoughts that keep you up every night of the deployment, wondering if you'll hear his voice tomorrow. These are the statistics that run through your head everytime someone knocks on the door. It doesn't get easier. It doesn't get safer. In fact, it only gets more dangerous the longer the wars go on.

And that, that feeling of a combat EOD deployment, that is why I cannot be an EOD wife. I cannot do this life. I cannot live day in and day out not knowing if he'll come home whole. It's not knowing, if he does come home, who he will be after the dangers and realities and brutalities of war take their toll. It is the ceaseless fear and worry day in and day out. This is why, although he is deploying again, I am relieved. Because he's not going back to Afghanistan. Because he will be coming home. Because he is going to be safe. Because when he comes home, he will still be my boy.