A Year in Review

I can easily say 2011 was the worst year of my life. I know I had some amazing opportunities in studying abroad and seeing the world, but I also had some of the darkest times of my life. I started off the year by sending my fiance to Afghanistan to do the most dangerous job in the world. Over a quarter of Air Force war casualties do my boy's job. Keep in mind only about 1000 people in the Air Force do it at all. They are a small, tight-knit community of heroes. I dealt with it okay for the first half of the deployment while I was abroad. Then I came home, and everything fell apart. The same day I got back to the States my friend's brother committed suicide. I was stuck in an airport and couldn't be there for her. I got home, there was a funeral, there were tears, and there were times trying to cope. It was hard. It was tragic. Only a few days after his funeral, my boy's best friend was killed in Afghanistan. It was tragic and sad and scary. It made me realize exactly what we were facing. Exactly what could happen. It was hard. I attended his funeral about a week later. It was the first military service I had attended since my grandpa died when I was 10. It was beautiful and tragic and heartbreaking. The worst moment was when his wife broke into tears and had to run out of the reception sobbing. It was so unbelievably sad and my heart broke for her. I was heartbroken and scared and weak. I tried to be there for my boy, but he buried it. He was okay for the remainder of the deployment. I went home for the summer, worked part time, and thought too much. I tried hard to stay strong for the last half of deployment. When the boy finally got back to his base in Germany I let myself feel everything I hadn't felt during his deployment. I fell apart. I had nightmares every night. I cried. I was scared. I finally processed what we had just been through. My boy started processing his friend's death and he fell apart. We were both weak and scared and apart. I could not go see my boy when he got back from Afghanistan because I was starting my third and final year of college. It was very hard for both of us and all we wanted to do was be together, but it wasn't possible.

During my time abroad I remembered a tragedy that had happened to me my first year of college. I had disassociated in the moment, and had buried it until I was in a better place to deal with it. Apparently my mind thought my supposedly stress-free semester abroad was that time. I remembered this terrible thing that happened to me and became scared, stressed, lonely, and weak. It was hard. As soon as I got back to the States I started going to therapy to deal with everything. I decided that I could not continue at school for two more years and decided to switch my academic plan to just a major and a minor, as opposed to the double major I was originally planning. This switch made it possible for me to graduate in three years. I started my final year at school and my boy left Afghanistan. He was finally able to come home in October, making it a total ten months apart. We spent a month together, and took a vacation to Florida over Thanksgiving. It was great. But of course it ended and he had to move to his next base. He found us an apartment and I went out there after Christmas. It was wonderful. It was home. For the first time in nearly a year I felt like I belonged somewhere. I felt safe. I felt at home. It was perfect. But then I had to leave. Yesterday I came back to school for my final semester. It is awful here. It is lonely here. And scary. I can only hope that the next four months fly. I want to be back at home with my boy. I want to be safe again.

There have been so many tragedies, fears, and traumas during 2011. I only hope that 2012 brings better things. Right now the only good thing I can say about 2011 is that I survived it. But at least I can say that.