Deployment from my view

I am a member of several online support groups for significant others of military men and women. Most of these groups are general groups, but some are the ones geared toward my fiance's job. I have started gravitating more and more to those groups. I am beginning to get frustratingly upset at everyone else. They don't get it. They don't know what it's like. So here it is, what it's like to be the fiancee of an EOD tech in the military.

First off, an explanation. EOD stands for Explosive Ordinance Disposal. This means that these men and women disarm and render safe IEDs, rockets, bombs, mines, and anything else that can, has, or should have exploded. Often this job is done by robots, but it does also involve going down. Right on the ordinance, and disarming it by hand. Sometimes his job involves going out on the scene after an IED explodes and gathering evidence on it to see who made it. Sometimes it involves looking for large weapon caches. Sometimes it involves conflicts with weapons engineers. Sometimes it involves doing any or all of this while being shot at. Have you seen the Hurt Locker? Don't tell the boy I said this, but that's basically what his job is (but he hates that movie so he'll never say so). Sound like fun? No, I don't think so either. It's considered one of the most dangerous jobs in the world.

So what's it like being the one left behind? Horrible. I'm so damn proud of that boy. Most people could never even think about doing something like what he is doing. But goddamn. It is the scariest thing in the world knowing what he does everyday, and knowing what could happen. Men and women lose their sight, lose their hearing, lose their limbs, and die in this career field every week. I haven't slept without nightmares a single night during this deployment. I forget what it's like not to panic. I get a call from his mother, and I automatically assume it's the worst news. I talk to him as much as I can because I don't know if I'll get tomorrow. I cry every day. I worry more than I thought it was possible to worry. He's only deployed for 6 months, but I guarantee you he is in more danger in those 6 months than most men are who deploy for a year.

My heart bursts with pride for him. He trained for two years to get to this point. He's worked his butt off, and I know he loves his job. He saves people. He disarms these ordinances so that they don't explode, so that they don't kill people, so that others may live. He is without a doubt my biggest hero, and my biggest inspiration. I could never do what he does, and most of us couldn't. He does his job so that others can do theirs. He is a hero. He is astounding. I admire him so much. I wish I had others who understood what this felt like. It's a terrible conflict between missing him terribly and wanting him home, and just being so damn proud and knowing he is saving the world. I love him, and admire him, but damn I want him home.

America: A Reflection

I only left America for 4 months. Just four months spent in Spain, but somehow, in just 4 months, when I returned home, America shocked me.

America is intensely, and sometimes blindly, patriotic. Look down every block, you'll see a flag. If there's not one there, there will be the next block. It's intense. Flags flying every few houses, outside most government or city buildings, outside of car lots and restaurants. We fly flags around every corner. And really, what does that flag mean? What does that patriotism mean? From my perspective as an intensely liberal military fiancee, I feel like I am surrounded by definitions of patriotism that involve our military. And really, that's a huge turn off to many of us. I support our troops 100%. I do not support the war. I do not support any war. But I support the men and women in the United States Military. But the definitions of patriotism I hear most often revolve around government and military. And blindly following and supporting. That isn't patriotism. That is being a sheep.

I always find it funny when someone speaks out against the military, the responses of military significant others is always the same: "they are only able to say that because of the freedoms fought for by the military. In other countries they'd be shot." I have to wonder, how many women saying these things have really been abroad. In Spain, I heard people speaking out against their government and military actions every day. England, France, Germany. Almost every developed country has a very vocal and sometimes rather large group of people speaking out against military action. These people are not considered unpatriotic in other countries. Occasionally they are viewed as the most patriotic. They love their country enough to know that they can solve conflicts without war. Now, of course, there are many countries where speaking out against your government and military will get you killed: Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, China, N Korea, etc. I know that it happens in a lot of under-developed nations. But, if your argument is going to be that in any other country you'd get arrested for speaking out against your military, you need to check out the rest of the world.

I hate that patriotism has become weapon. If you don't support the war, you are unpatriotic. If you speak out against government actions you are unpatriotic. I have heard people say if you do not sit on these party lines you are unpatriotic. Maybe I'm just a big hippie like everyone says I am, but patriotism to me is highly overrated. I do not need to connect myself to an arbitrary land mass. I am connected to the world, as the world is connected to me. My country represents not much more than the laws I follow and the societal norms I grew up with. I feel no strong ties to this land. I feel strong ties to people. But I am tied to all people. I find myself avoiding patriotic language, events, and symbols. Being connected to the military makes this position a hard one to hold. I am constantly being bombarded with patriotic symbolism. I find it hard to balance my ideals with my surroundings. I support the military. But I wish we didn't need it. And I sure don't think that the military has anything to do with patriotism.

I am an American. But more than that, I am a human. I am a world citizen. I am connected to the world.