College Years

Today I started packing up to move back to college. Really, this first involved unpacking everything from when I moved home in December. As I dove through boxes and papers and grades and photos and letters and tokens of moments spent at college, I couldn't help but sob. Every one of these items was a memento to a time of my life that I am not sharing with my fiance. Every one of these items represents the life I gave up with him to indulge myself in education. Every one of these objects represents the opportunity cost of college. They represent nights held in his arms, and mornings starting off with kisses. They represent coming home from work together and sharing stories of our day as we cuddle on the couch watching the news. They represent hugs, kisses, days, weeks, months, years. They represent the comforts of seeing him every day except for deployments and TDYs.

These are supposed to be the greatest years of my life, but they are the hardest. They are the lost years. They are the years I chose to indulge myself rather than nurture my relationship. They are the years I chose to be selfish. They are the years spent waiting. They are the years spent holding the phone, not holding his hand. College for me will always be a black void of time that I didn't do everything I could have for the one I love. I know it's never too late to change things, but I also know that the boy wants me so much to be in school, and really, I want to be in school too, but I can be in school at any time. He signed a contract and gave his life to the government for 6 years. He can't choose where he lives or when he's home or when he's here or there. I however can choose. And knowing that I have that choice and that I've taken the selfish path for the past 2 years is hard, and even harder when looking at all the memories from those two years. Memories that will always be mine, not ours. Memories that will always be tainted with loneliness and  longing. I am having a terrible time getting motivated to go back to school, and getting motivated to study and spend time with friends and be a college student. If I weren't headed to college, I would be headed to Germany, to welcome my boy home from his deployment. I may never know if I'm making the right choice, and I may always be burdened with "what ifs" and the knowledge of what could have been. I just hope I am strong enough to live with the consequences of the life I chose not to give us for now.