Holidays = Lonely Days

It is no secret or surprise that the worst times to be apart from you significant other is on the holidays. This is hitting me really hard right now. In the 3 years and 3 months that the boy and I have been together, we have missed all four Valentines Days and all four of my birthdays. We have missed three of the four of his birthdays. We did not spend Thanksgiving together until 2011, we did not spend our anniversary together until our 3rd anniversary this year. We have been lucky with Christmas, spending two of the three together, and for that I am very grateful. It is just tough on big days to spend it alone and scared.

It becomes more tough when I have to hear people tell me that they understand when they very obviously do not. Believe me, I have sympathy for your long-distance relationship. I know how much it sucks to be apart on important days, or even on insignificant days where you're just lonely. I have sympathy. But do not tell me you understand unless you live in constant fear that the next day he may be shipped off to war, to miss the next 7+ months of holidays. Do not tell me that you understand when you know exactly when you will see him again. Do not tell me you understand when he is safe and sound at his home, with no more threat to his tomorrow than you and I have. Because a civilian long distance relationship is just not the same as a military one.

I had an interesting conversation with the girlfriend of an Army Reserves soldier the other day. I told her that it sucked that he is missing her prom, but at least he was home quite a bit. She got super defensive. I did not mean it as an argument. It was a fact. And she rattled off a bunch of time periods in the next year that he will be gone and home and then a deployment. Now, when he is deployed, it is NO different than when an active duty service member is deployed. It will suck. It will be scary and lonely and hard. No difference. Between branches, Active, Reserves, or Guard, it will be equally challenging for the ones waiting at home (although I do think job plays a huge role in the way the ones waiting at home cope). However, in this list trying to tell me that her man is gone just as much as mine is she stated that he would be home for three months. Three months! Do you know the last time my boy was home for three months? Four years ago. Before he joined the military. Do you know where her boyfriend goes after a month-long training in Germany? Back to the same town she lives in. Do you know where my boy goes after a month-long training? To a base nine hours away. He used to go back to his base in Germany! Aside from deployments, the longest she ever has to go without seeing him is one month. Aside from deployments, the longest I have been without seeing my boy is seven months. Longer than the average length of deployment in the Air Force.

In this conversation she talked about how he would miss her prom and her graduation and he would be gone for the Fourth of July. Again. I have sympathy, believe me I do, but refer to my previous list. Add to that my high school prom, my high school graduation, every event I have ever participated in that people might come to support me in, band banquets, honor society initiations, and my college graduation. You know what noteworthy event that I have been apart of that my boy has been here for? None.

The message is this: Don't tell someone you understand when you don't. You may be trying to help, but it doesn't help. It is hurtful. It is hurtful to tell someone that you understand what they go through when you have no idea. It minimizes their experience. This blog was long and angry, and for that I apologize, but take this message to every aspect of your life. If you don't understand, have sympathy and empathize with the person, be there and listen and support, but do not tell someone that you understand if you don't.