Goodbyes

Is there anything harder than a goodbye?

This weekend is the National EOD Memorial service and ball. Held annually to honor the EOD techs who have been killed in action in the year previous. This year, 15 new names will be added to the wall. This year, I am not attending because my boy is about to deploy again.

And I have to say goodbye.

I am not only saying goodbye to my boy as he deploys, but also goodbye to those heroes, some of whom I have met, many of whom I have not. Whether I know them or not, or know their families, or know their stories, they are all my brothers. I am eternally proud of these men and women. EOD techs, more than nearly any other job, is a job of heroes. They do what they do for one reason: So that others may live.

But sometimes, this means these men and women can't.

The statistics are staggering. The odds are forever against them. The most dangerous job in the US Military. The most dangerous job in the US. The most dangerous job in the world. (Unless you're my boy, who says being a terrorist is way more dangerous!)

I am trying to be strong, but the odds are against us. As always. I don't think his leaving so close to the memorial is helping me at all. A time when we look back on the last year and pay tribute and honor to all the men and women who gave all doing this job. And remember all those who died in years previous. And remember the families who are left behind. The families who must move forward with a hole in their hearts and a lump in their throats. Forever.

I never want to know that feeling. And I am so scared that I will have to. I am so scared. But I am trying not to worry, because worrying about him dying will not make it any easier if he does. Worrying will only make it harder and slower and scarier. So I'm trying hard to honor and remember without putting myself in those shoes.

But how do you do that? When those who were killed were killed doing exactly what my boy does. Exactly where he is. In the exact same war. How do I honor and remember without the worry and fear?

I am trying to figure that out.

But for the fifteen men being added to the wall. May Angels Lead You In.

We will never forget you.