Most people my age seem to be saying they grew up too fast, or saying they feel so old for 20, or how adulthood, or life, or whatever, slapped them in the face. I guess in a way that's my story, but in a totally opposite way, it feels like I'm living someone else's life. Here I am, in college, engaged, about to study in a foreign country for 4 months, sending my fiance off to war...and inside I feel like I'm 12. I analyze my life, and all the adult things I've done or experienced, and it feels like this can't possibly be happening to me. I'm too young for this. I'm too young to face a loved ones deployment, to live on my own, to travel freely for 4 months. Thrilled, excited, and joyous to face all of these things (especially studying abroad), but it still feels like I'm too young for this. I feel like everyday I'm proving to everyone (although really probably only to myself) that I can do this. Everyday I feel like I'm proving myself strong enough, independent enough, smart enough, and old enough, to do all of these things. It's a strange feeling, really. I can't believe how old I am. I can't believe I am an adult, leading my own life, independent, and strong. And while, often, when I'm sad or scared especially, I don't feel so strong, I know deep down I must be. And I know age has nothing to do with any of these things, but sometimes it still floors me to say "I'm 19."  And I know 19 isn't old, obviously, but it's a hell of a lot older than I feel. I feel too young for all of this. Sometimes I just want to curl up in bed and hide under the blankets and pretend that if I can't see adulthood looking at me, it won't really be there. I guess I think if I still feel young, youth and childhood and innocence will have to follow me, too. Peter Pan had a good idea.

And since this is supposed to be a travel blog, the one bit of travel information I have: I may get a roommate! One of my trip leaders said another girl also signed up for a roommie, so they are trying to arrange for us to live together. Potentially exciting, although I am happy either way.

I'm not editing this, not rereading it, just posting. So sorry for this rambling post.